Breaking News: Wink Tinkle Was Murdered

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Tidy Bowl Actor Drowns in Tragic Boat Accident During Crapper Days Celebration

Hundreds of Crapper Days Festival watched in horror as former Tidy Bowl actor, Bartholomew, “Wink,” Tinkle tragically drowned during a performance at Lake Plenticaca last Sunday night. Tinkle was in the midst of shooting shirts at the beachside crowd with a tee shirt cannon, when his boat, the SS Flush, suddenly began to take on water. Thirty seconds later, both Wink Tinkle and the SS Flush were gone.

“What caused the boat to sink remains a mystery,” Enema Falls Police Chief, Ernie Hemingway announced during a Tuesday morning press conference at town hall. “Due to the strong lake currents, it took us awhile to find the body, so unfortunately, the snapping turtles had their way with Mr. Winkle. It’s not a sight for the timid,” Hemingway added. “Mr. Tinkle’s body has been sent to the town morgue where the recently appointed medical examiner, Sam Freemantle, will conduct the autopsy.” Today in Enema Falls will update this story as details become available.

Brownton Abbey Adds 24k Gold Toilet to Mansion

24k Gold Toilet Added to Ball Cock Magnate's Master Bedroom

Brownton Abbey, Augustus Pott's 96 room palatial palace, has recently added a 24k gold thrown that is literally fit for a king. According to Brownton Abbey's Public Affairs Director, Victoria Tarwater, the 5 million dollar toilet was purchased from an unnamed middle-eastern royal family as post mortem tribute to Easy Flow Ball Cock company founder, Ebenezer Potts. Potts built Brownton Abbey as a wedding gift for his wife in 1903. According to Tarwater it was Ebenezer Pott's dream that Brownton Abbey one day would rival or surpass the grandeur of George Vanderbilt's  Biltmore in Ashville, North Carolina. The addition of the toilet by current owner Augustus Potts serves as a way to keep his great grandfather's dream alive. The toilet was installed in Ebenezer Pott's Master Suite and will be available for public viewing as part of daily guided tours of the estate and mansion. 

 

 

      Schedule for 87th Crapper Festival Announced

Enema Falls Mayor, Charlie Flanigan held a press conference this morning to announce the line-up for the 87^th annual Thomas Crapper Festival. The area’s longest running festival known locally as Crapper Days will be held over the Memorial Day weekend. The festival commemorates, the inventor of the flush toilet, Thomas Crapper’s 1897 visit to Enema Falls. When asked why he travelled all the way from England to visit the small midwestern town, Crapper responded with the now famous words. “Drink it and you will blow.” Crapper felt that tonic water of Enema Falls, which he considered to be the most potent natural laxative in the world, and the toilet manufacturing industry were a match made in heaven. Crapper’s words turned out to be prophetic as Enema Falls evolved into the only town in America that completely concerns itself with the with the care, comfort, maintenance, and study of the lower digestive tract.

Thomas Crapper

It turned out to be a policy which has maintained the growth of Enema Falls. As town founder, Eli Proctor, said over 100 years ago. “Everybody Poops! Crapper Days gives us the opportunity to honor the wisdom of our forefathers,” added Mayor Flanigan. “While the rest of the world is struggling to go green, We the good citizens of Enema Falls will continue to stay brown.”

                                          Tidy Bowl Man Named Grand Marshall

 Mayor Flannigan also announced that Bartholomew (Wink) Tinkle will return to Enema Falls to serve as Crapper Days Grand Marshall for the tenth consecutive year. Tinkle, who portrayed the Tidy Bowl Man from 1973 to 1979, has always been a crowd favorite. Besides crowning The Crapper Queen, Tinker will throw out the first pitch at the Brown Streaks game on Saturday. On Sunday Tinkle will take to Lake Plenticaca in the SS Flush, the boat used navigate the toilet tank in the popular Tidy Bowl commercials, and use a bazooka to shoot Crapper Days tee shirts to spectators during the fireworks extravaganza.        

Highlights lights for this year’s Festival Include

  Day One:

Fudge Night Sponsored by the Enema Falls Fudge Packer’s Union Local #622

Festival goers can participate in Fudge tasting, Fudge making, Fudge stacking, Fudge packing, Fudge tossing and Fudge Jenga.

The Brown Cow All Chocolate Creamery will be serving free samples of all 33 varieties of their chocolate ice cream.

Out the Wazoo Brewery will be serving a new beer brewed for the celebration; Crapper’s Brown Water Ale, brewed with the sparking water of Beautiful Lake Plenticaca.

6pm The Big Bully Organic Fertilizer Company will sponsor the annual cow chip tossing contest at the Enema Falls City Park. 50 bags of cow manure go to the winner.

8pm Vic Bonebreaker and the Cross-eyed Plumbers Band will round out the evening’s entertainment at the City Park Bandstand. Contestants for the Crapper Queen Beauty Pageant will be introduced to the concert goers.

Day 2

No Crack Brothers Plumbing Company will be sponsoring the annual Plunger Toss and Target Competition at noon on Main Street. Besides the traditional hand toss and bow and plunger shooting contest, event planners are adding a speargun and bazooka division where shooters will be shooting at a target at a distance of three hundred yards. Spectators will be required to sign a liability waiver to attend.

The Enema Falls Proctological Society will be offering free prostate exams all day long.  

3pm Motorized Toilet Racing on Main Street

4pm Minor League Baseball at Easy Flush Stadium:  The hometown Enema Falls Brown Streaks will be taking on The Utica Flats Urinal Cakes.

5pm Crapper Queen Pageant hosted by Big Daddy’s Drawers

7pm Crapper Cotilion Ball with Music provided by Johnny Velvet and the Smooth Moves. This will be a brown tie event.

10pm The newly crowned Crapper Queen will be driven to her coronation at City Hall in a horse drawn toilet shaped carriage where she will be presented with a gold-plated plunger scepter and lifetime supply of Tootsie Rolls and antacid products from the Enema Falls Institute of Digestive Health.

Day 3

Noon   The Easy Flow Ballcock Company presents Cock and Bulls Stories from Enema Falls legendary story- teller, Stinky Longfellow. Stinky uses his stylized ‘brown’ humor to entertain Crapper goers, both young and old.

1pm   Bobbing for Baby Ruth candy bars in chocolate milk.3pm Chocolate Pudding Wrestling Tournament

2pm Chocolate Pudding Wresting Tournament

3pm Crapper Days Pageant presented by the Sulphur State College Thespian Society titled: Our Brown Town or Up the Creek without a paddle.

4pm Minor League Baseball at Easy Flush Stadium. Series Finale between Brown Streaks and Urinal Cakes. The first1000 spectators will receive a free Thomas Crapper Bobblehead.

7pm  Free Lakefront Concert presented by the Big Droppings Elephant Manure Company. Music performed by The Red Hot Water Bottles.

9pm  Fireworks over the Lake Plenticaca followed by Wink Tinkle shooting tee shirts into the crowd from the SS Flush.

10pm Closing Ceremonies

More Yeti Sighting in Enema Falls State Park

Scratchpatch sighting on Lake Plenticaca

Enema Falls Game Warden, Bucky Kemp reported that he received two more sightings of a large ape-like creature two miles north of Lake Plenticaca near Hubbard’s Cove. According to Kemp, both parties described the creature as being eight feet tall covered in long brown fur and smelling like a backed a up toilet. The creature didn’t appear to be aggressive but both witnesses didn’t stay around long enough to give it a chance. These new encounters bring the total number of sightings of the creature locally known as "Scratchpatch" to sixteen. Even though the creature doesn’t seem to be dangerous, Kemp recommends that hikers and campers keep their distance if they encounter Scratchpatch.

Elephants Trample Night Crawlers at Worm Ranch

The Enema Falls Police Department was called to Dewy Long’s Worm Ranch after an elephant reportedly broke into the facility and trampled approximately 100,000 worms to death. The elephant known as Big Eli, had apparently escaped from his pen at the Big Droppings Manure Company sometime after midnight. According to Dewy Long this is the third time that Big Eli has stampeded through the worm ranch since he started selling worm dropping fertilizer. “It seems funny Web Berger’s elephant started taking midnight strolls thirty days after I got into the worm poop business.” Big Droppings owner, Web Berger couldn’t be reached for comment. The police investigation is ongoing.

Big Eli on the Rampage

Enema Falls Memorial Hospital Welcomes New Director of Digestive Medicine

Enema Falls Memorial Hospital administrator Hal Kazuba announced the hiring of Dr. Sam Freemantle to be the new Director of Digestive Medicine and City Medical Examiner. Dr. Freemantle will be replacing Dr. Buggs McCorkle who served in the position for the past fifty years. Freemantle has served as senior surgeon for at Practical Proctology Partners of Palm Springs for the past twelve years and has earned several awards for his prowess with a scalpel. Dr. Freemantle is married to Dr. Beverly Freemantle who will be joining the liberal arts department at Sulphur State. The couple have two children who will be attending EFHS.

New Business comes to Enema Falls

A local entrepreneur is preparing to open up a new venture that he claims will revolutionize the automobile maintenance and colon cleansing industries. Jasper Horvath, owner of Lake Plenticaca Lube and Colonic LLC. claims he will be opening the first business to offer full service colon cleansings while simultaneously changing the oil in their cars. "We live in a busy world," Horvath stated, "It only makes sense to take care of two necessary functions at the same time. We find that the human colon works better when cleansed every three months, just as the automobile requires an oil change in the same amount of time. It's a match made in heaven." Customers will be offered a wide variety of herbal based cleanings and all name brands of motor oil. The business will be located at 608 Upper Colonic Drive.